If I was God...

I would make the world a more beautiful place. E and shrooms would be their Bible, and maybe once in a while, I would make miracles happen, or perhaps come and visit.

I'd make everyone really want to love one another.
And I would let the people choose whom they want to fall in love with. They wouldn't have to lose their temper or struggle with misplaced love or selfishness.

And I don't know what I would do about suffering. Sometimes something wrong makes an ideal so much more appealing, and inequality gives you something to fight against. But I wouldn't be so good of a god anymore if I just wanted a good play to watch, would I?

I think I'd make a bad god.

But...
At least my people wouldn't feel like sputniks.

Hey... today, I talked to an old friend of mine, and she was very nice... and the art teacher complimented my artwork quite a lot... like "best I've ever seen!"

I was happy, I guess.
Yet I felt arrogant and commercialized and fake and angry at myself...

And I've been so depressed this week because of this story I read... Here<-- Genie, I wish I could have saved her. Why did they stop helping her? I wish I could help her.

Sometimes I do wish the world was like this really beautiful place.

Rain stuffs....

It'll rain tomorrow.

Rain, rain, rain... I slept for two hours because of the rain.. it drowns out all the noise and drains the sky of all its colors... how cliche.
i used to say it was like God crying, but that sounds cliche as well.

But the umbrella was too small the other day. I was soaked and the tips of my pant-legs clung to me as I walked for the rest of the day... cold,cold,cold.... I went to bed with asthma that night and woke up sick.

Rain is much more beautiful in stories.

Maybe

one day i'll be amazing
and this blog will be a time capsule...

An epidemic and my alphabet book...

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A fatal epidemic has swept the nation of Fur-Seal-Land and left 2/3 of the population dead. A yellow seal was among the first struck. His death just weeks ago has shocked many seal doctors who believed his fungal disease to be merely an inconvenience. His death, however, was not the last. Last night, a green seal has died in a gruesome case of this new disease. 2/3 of the population are dead, but spared a young green seal. It seems to hit larger seals the hardest for some peculiar reason.

:P Yep, they're dying off. I don't have much to say today. I finished my alphabet book. Perhaps I should post it up here sometime, hmmm?

Oh, yeah, and did you know Mana's a guy?

I like this story a lot.

I wrote a story.



It's about Ken, who falls in love with another boy named Ax, but then Ax dies in Vietnam. It's also about the narrator, who's liked by a really young girl. There are cat chases and moths in streetlights and contrails and fans in empty restaurants and one way trains on circular tracks, and at the end, Ken is asleep on a train...

I think I'm really happy with it. i wrote out the whole thing on this page... the summary... it's really long, and i don't have time to post it now.

But i really want this feeling to be heard... because... Ken thought that any dream you could actually catch wasn't worth running after, because it's not good enough. I really wish something amazing could happen.
I don't think anyone is really reading this, or anyone would actually be interested in the story if they were, and i already know the story by heart.... so...

maybe i'll go to bed.

but the ending is so nice... they sleep the empty cabin of the subway going through the town, and music is playing over static on the loudspeakers... it's like they've come so far, and they're going in circles on the one-way train again... they never really got anywhere in the end...

and there are cats as well... in the town...

i'll sleep early tonight...

Bonam noctem...
Defessus sum, esurioque

Satellitey?

i haven't written in a while. i don't know what to talk about, really... right now i feel all satellitey... really detached and upset and confused... we need a word for that, you know?

Yesterday, I saw a caterpillar on the road. It was a stupid kind... it was a wonder it was still alive. I tried to move it, but it wouldn't budge. i made my friend's dad drive to the left to avoid hitting it.

Do you think desperately wanting something is sometimes more noble than naturally having it? Does acting a certain way, doing kind things to someone you wish you loved, justify your feelings?

Maybe if you wear the mask long enough, you become the mask

Feeling pissy...

I'm so upset right now.

My parents, I wish they could go to hell sometimes.
Die.
In a marriage, we call the guys who want respect all the time an ASSHOLE.
In a family, this is something we attribute to the MODEL CHILD.
What the hell?
I don't even give a flying fuck about whether I treat you as my superior, because that's exactly what you're not...

I guess it's because I'm still growing and all. I think I'm killing myself here, rebelling. They can't stand by and let the drowning guy alone in the pool... I understand. I know I'm the one who's wrong...

But right now, I don't NEED fucking thought police shoving crap up my ass.

Whatever.............................................................................................

Hey... Seal, my pet balloon, is sick today, you know?
He grew mold on the inside, lots. I told him I didn't love him anymore... I was really upset because he grew mold. I think I still love him, though. I just ignore him so much now and, I'm bored of him. Maybe he'll get better and I'll love him again, but I do want to love him now, but it's hard..........

I saw water disappearing on my jeans.
Maybe it's a little like a person you like.
It was so sad, the way it would fade into the blue of my jeans... You could see it getting lighter... Maybe you wanted that color a little longer, the dark-stain of the water. But all too soon, it was gone and you dont' even remember what the color of the water on your jeans looked.

My friend got a nice duck call device yesterday,
so we tried calling some of the ducks in that pond with the long bridge with no benches... There's only one left now. It's quite sad. We called to him, anyway (a "feeding frenzy" call, said the instructions), but I don't think we fooled him too well.

And the blinds yesterday casting sunlight on the carpet was really nice.

I'm feeling kinda empty right now, though.

There's a quiz called the Myers-Briggs... it's floating around the internet these days, anyway...




I used to think I'm an INFP.
I'm an ENFP now, though, and that bothers me. It's changing the way I view myself. Why can't I be an introvert? Am I changing, perhaps? Maybe I'm still an I. I definitely show signs of E-ness... I'm really uncommitted, for one thing.

See, that's part of it.
I was talking about how heavenly it felt to be in love before.

It really does feel that way, you know. The movies don't have that wrong one bit. But it's just a feeling. I can go from liking one person to another in a matter of months... I mean, the first relationship isn't new anymore, or exciting. I really don't want that, though. I really want that first relationship. I still want to like that girl. But it's a burden.

Maybe relationships need work. Perhaps you both gotta say "I won't leave, even if I like someone else, even when the feelings are dead, even when you're not who I thought you were or don't treat me the way I thought you would," I think. That's love, I think. That's where the movies have it wrong. I don't think it's too easy to love.

It reminds me of suicide. They say someone who loves people wouldn't kill themselves. I guess I don't really love people. I mean, does it matter how they feel once you're dead?

Suicide and relationships.................
Maybe I'm more selfish than I'm willing to admit.

Oh, hmmmm....
I downloaded some hentai from the game Little Busters! on Friday, and I think I'm in love with Kud. Kud! Kud! Even the name is cute! >.<

I don't think we should blame people for things out of their control, like...
I don't think being a pedophile is wrong.
I think if they go out to rape little kids, it's wrong, but I don't think desires that you can't control are wrong. I don't think I'd ever rape a kid...

Perhaps I'm not so selfish after all.

I guess I'm just being random.

I listened to 5 hours of music on Lala
yesterday. 4 albums. You should listen to this.
Kiss the Rain

It feels like waiting at a bus stop in the rain on a spring morning and maybe you're thinking of someone you love, and you wish you could keep loving them, even if you know you can't...

How do you post videos on here? I can't seem to post downloaded youtube vids... is it some sort of copyrighty kinda thing?