Wishes

My friend turned to me in service today and told me he thought those "if you had one wish" things were pretty stupid. "I'd just wish us all to be perfect and in heaven," he said. "Every sensible person should really wish the same."
If I had one wish, I'd wish God didn't exist. Then we could all be existentialists.

Not really.
Perhaps he's right.

IF I could live however I wan-ted, I think I'd stop giving presents altogether, and stop responding to all these emails, and stop hanging out with all these people, and just do what I wanted (notice the capital "i"), and I'd take a moped and I'd travel all around the country, and I'd spend money on a whim, buying the coolest and most useless stuff for the laughs, and I'd perform with Holy Band of God at all sorts of clubs and revel in the attention, the spotlight, my own genius, and I'd do whatever I wanted at the moment, screw all these social customs, and I'd do the wildest things, pick my nose, eat stuff off the floor, have crazy sex, do drugs, hurt people (yeah, the thought's nice, but maybe not), and nobody would care, nobody!, and nobody would really care even what the hell I did, because I'm me, and they're them, and you know how I'd spend my time?, I'd play visual novels and hentai games and MMOs and I'd have a million musical instruments to mess around with and a new great movie every day to watch and books and manga and pretty much every other form of entertainment media and I'd immerse myself, and then I'd come out to break into places and sharpie stuff and travel, travel, travel some more, and it'd be all about what I felt like doing, and oh, presents?, well, if I happened to WANT to give a present, I'd just give it, none of this berthdae-chrissmass-boulshitte!, and really, I swear, it's stressing me out, all these rules and customs and schedules and tasks and friends and presents and moms and dads and sisters and sisters and schoolwork and homework and God and Satan and Radiohead, and my long nails, and how short to cut them, and all the other, the !s, the things, the stuff, the plans, the, and Waking up is a chore. Clipping my nails is a chore. Writing my blog is a chore, homework, everything. Life is a chore. and I WISH I could just be a New York ghost with a backpack and some 500 bucks (for food and gas and souvenirs), and headed towards Cali forever. All my friends and girlfriends, I'd meet them on the way, and I'd leave them as I pleased, and the music and the art, I'd draw them on the spot, on the street, on the walls, and when the cops came, I'd be like "I'm invisible, motherfuckers!" and then I'd turn invisible, and I'd run!, run!, run!, and the whole world and every one of my current friends would laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh at it all, and I'd laugh!, and that's how I'd live!, forever!,
Me!,
Myself!,
I!


(F
l
o
u
r
i
s
h
!)

Another dream...

It was night, and they said something about a meteor that night, and so I went out, and a meteor was hurtling through the atmosphere... no, an asteroid, said Rayure...
and when it exploded on the ground, the lava singed me, but I was invincible, of course... I punched back. And we all began to laugh and celebrate, and the night fled away...
The next morning, I discovered my flash drive with my Journalism articles destroyed by the space-rock...
I was horribly mad.

But the story!, the story!
The story mustn't suffer!

Existentialism!

I was at Wal-Mart, I think, and these people, they were all gathered in the room around these screens, and it was showing Spirited Away that day. It was near the end, and I could probably have recited everything they said in time with them. The store was really boring, though, and it had nothing except Star Wars toys, and so, "the movie it was!"

It was at the part where she walked down the side of the building and into the water below to wait for the train. It had been a few years, I think, since she first made the deal with the tall lady, and she thought maybe she could leave now. And there were these stairs, and she walked down, and the sun was all there was in the sky that day, shining amazingly bright and white and empty existentialism.

(And behind her, Haku and the lady stepped down, watched her from a distance.)

The sun was the only thing in the sky, bleak, existential emptiness, and it cut through everything, past the trees here, and the trees by the stairs, and made a million shadows everywhere...
And there was this house to her left, exactly as she had left it, the sun pushing through like an Edward Hopper. On the right was the house with the boat.

It was really cold, so she sighed steam into the air.

She felt like she had this, this thing, this feeling of…
She wasn’t quite sure what it was—
She wasn’t so upset at it all, but it wasn’t great. And she thought it would be great, would be amazing!, dreams!, eternity!, something worth all these years of wasn’t-greatness…

But then it started to rain a bit. And she realized it was quite cold here, anyhow, and she was very tired and a bit hungry,
And she wanted to go somewhere nice, To eat a lunch over this rain…

As she thought this, she teared up a bit.

Still not sad, she thought, but it was all very lame…

Haku and a lady stepped out now, and he was horribly upset now, at the lady, for promising all this stupid stuff, and it was all so unfulfilling!, absurd!, and now...

And then it started to rain harder.

And the boy screamed to the lady twas all really stupid, pointless!, and he begged her to let the girl, Chihiro, he wanted her to stay, please!
But The rain was getting harder, she said, and they would all get quite wet if they didn't run back now. And she was a wolf, and she ran back. The boy glanced back at the infinity sky, all drenched and heavy, and the girl, and she was crying, but still he ran for the building.

And then it was pouring like the infinity-sky over the parking lot.

And then it was morning, and then it was my alarm

A reply

LISTEN UP! YOU ARE AMAZING!

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE AMAZING!

ANYONE WHO DISAGREES CAN BE SHOT IN THE HEAD!

I mean it, I've said it before, I hope you never forget it!

And I don't know what to say about not liking somebody
--i'm not sure how i can make myself like somebody, after all,

or if it's possible to make feelings stay with someone forever, and I'm sure if I was God, I would change that--
but no matter what I feel, I won't ever let go! ever! Remember that!

(this is where you listen up, world!)

We
are

invincible!
you, I, unbreakable,

our diamond middle fingers to the world in de-fi-ance!

And IF anything ever gets in our face,
we shall SCREAM! at the top of our jaded lungs
to this peabodied world (ten feet in diameter) and
its miniscule mental mechemicalism: feelings, falling-in-love shit, w/e
and the two (2) years and
thousands (approximately, of course) of miles separating us!

And really, i think it wouldn't stand a chance.
it's puny. it's scared.
it's Nietzsche before the divine countenance.
we
are

God!

(a diagram for easier comprehension)^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART IT IS BLACK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!"

I love that line. It feels like a Godamount of emptiness and angriness, all built up in a mess of tangled wires and confusion and screaming.

"But inside your heart it is BLACK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!" See, I can't even write it in lowercase letters. It's angry, and it wants something to fill it all up again. I want something amazing to appear.

It's dinnertime, or close, anyway.
A Nine Inch Nails cover band, a comic, and something else, I think... The Floor is Lava is a great game. Seesaws are godly. The people here are all so amazing, and sometimes I'm more amazing, and other times I'm just a little lower than them all, but they're all very amazing.

"BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART IT IS DARK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!"
"BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART IT IS DARK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!"
"BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART IT IS DARK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!"
"BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART IT IS DARK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!"
"BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART IT IS DARK AND IT'S HOLLOW AND IT'S COLD!"
Like, there's not much love.
It's like some sort of empty beehive, waxy and gross.

Thunderstorms and dreams

What will the bakery be like? Will it have a blackboard by the door with neon lettering? Perhaps I could draw a picture-of-the-day, or perhaps I would be too lazy...

But...

I dreamed last night that I was late for my PE Finals all over again.

They were riding horses and playing football, and I had never ridden a horse in my life. I kept smothering my horse's face.
Finally, they let out a cow for the final project and it began to attack my horse. I led my horse out to a field to escape from the cow, but they all kept prompting me back.
"You have to do this!" they all screamed, "You'll fail, Zephy!"
But the moment the gate opened, the cow was there,
and it began goring my horse,
and she bled and bled, and then she died,
and I started to cry because it was all my fault and their fault and I was angrier than anything in the world because the horse was Moses before he found God, and the horse was empty, and she never even found why she existed.

That day, I spent until 5 at the Lab talking with my friend about education and gay rights and all sorts of stuff, and we need to start a band and get the whole world to turn her head! "Listen up!"

But when I went to dinner today, it was raining and thundering, and I didn't have an umbrella. Nature can be quite annoying at times. And I told nature "you know, if you think you can kill me, you can't! I happen to be invincible, and I shall not die until I find why I exist!"
but then it thundered very hard, so I lowered my voice a bit...
it's a bad idea to piss Thunder off...

I still think I shall not die.
I am invincible, in case you didn't know.

I don't even know what to write about these days.