An anniversary and a train ride back

Eight mosquito bites on your hand are quite painful, and sleep leaks out the holes by night. By tomorrow afternoon, it all becomes quite odd, and a small spider walking alone on a table could make you cry, and the trees so high above look so funny, and you forget the spider and begin laughing...
Twas my grandparents' anniversary yesterday, and I kept tearing up as they talked about growing up so long ago, and military service, and crushing crackers under your feet in rebellion...
I returned to my dorm that afternoon on a train, and it got darker and darker outside, and by night, the small towns our train passed by and the stops full of empty train cabins were all so grand! And a robotic arm, and a chip that could stop pain--grand! We people, we're all so very weak, but we're so very grand, and so we build these grand, grand, grand, grand, grand citiesm and these grand, grand, grand little towns, and these grand little trains between the cities and towns... what a nice word that is! Grand!
But by the time we arrived, it was all dark, and all the restaurants near the station were full, regardless of the yuckness of them all....
and then...

I'm still tired, and quite upset at all the homework they're making us do and all the expectations we're required to fulfill... Parents need to be accepting, by the way... and so much homework, and I wish everyone could see sex as the amazingly beautiful act it is, or I think it is... and I need a white tee to tie-dye.
Maybe I'll stop by after dinner to get those pictures of the boat burning festival I never got...

I wish I could just fall asleep right about now and wake up two years later...

Talking Heads,


Yeah Yeah Yeahs,

Man Man,
Shiny Toy Guns,
Butthole Surfers,
Neu,
Phish,
Craftwerk,
Jesus and Mary Chain,
Christian Death,
Franz Ferdinand,
Gogol Bordello,
experimental rock,

Premature aging? Stress?

I'm half serious, too... Just the other day, I couldn't spell therefor or rythm and I wasn't sure whether to say "skeptical of" or "skeptical to." And then it takes me forever to remember what we're learning in history or stuff...

Anyway, I should really teach a class on how to be invincible, you know? "Today, we shall learn the glories of lying down!" or "The ethics of rock-throwing!" or... just kidding. :P
But wouldn't that be nice? I think the whole world should learn to chillax a bit.

I've got a girlfriend, and then I've got mom and dad, and then I've got the rest of the world all to myself... how wonderful...

Senile dementia.

Lying down!

The ultimate act of defiance to this beautiful, stupid, empty, infinity world!

"Come and get me, world!, like I'm all over your back and enjoying every moment of it, like you can't do a thing about it!"

Resistance is futile, Planet Earth!
The loudspeaker is twice your diameter!

And also a family is a wonderful thing--
Someday, I shall be a father!

"It'sthesameoldthemesincenineteensixteen
Inyourhead,inyourheadthey'restillfighting
Withtheirtanksandtheirbombs
Andtheirbombsandtheirbombsandtheirbombsandtheirgunsandtheir gunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirguns
gunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirguns
gunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirguns
gunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirgunsandtheirguns
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Jesus Christ Pose

And Alas! the entry on the dream has already taken up 2 hours worth of blogging!, and yet so much more remains to be said tonight...

A day in an empty field, and greeting the nice birds and the nice leaf and the nice Marilyn Monroe cat,
A waste of a day spent on an old Godzilla flick which glitched like all hell,
The grand pastime known by the name The Floor is Lava, and the rules thereof,
A night at a Jazz festival, a visit to a sealed construction site and an electrical room of sorts, a million couples making out, quite a few good biker guys
A junior carnival where I sold the drinks, a container of dry ice there, a tired horse on the field that night,
The boys who started a reggae band in the ministry room, a journalism article I've yet to begin writing,
Moi, playing Santeria on the roof, late at night, the city below me!,
A halo drawn by rock on concrete, "FIGHT THE WORLD," my wonderful Jesus Christ pose that afternoon,
My wonderful girlfriend and the (almost as) wonderful new necklaces she made,
And I think I'm allowed to call her that now...
I think that's all.

Tonight, I think I'll be making up for some lost sleep...

Here at school and dreams and things...

The Sunday before I left, I dreamed I was at a school.
As I talked to my friend about the sermon that morning, she passed by my class.
I followed her past a dark room of sleeping people watching an old French movie. She was standing in the hall with her friends. I ran up to her.
I was so happy I hardly noticed she was three heads taller.

Sunday seemed to pass ultra-super-fast:
Ate a sandwich, packed my stuff, a train ride, a taxi ride.
It was almost dark when I arrived.
The school is like a maze of labs and dorms and counseling centers, and then mom left me to die.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

I drew a picture for her after dinner, watched some people play video games, and lights out came before I had time to shower.

Alas, waves of joy passing through my open mind, chasing away sleep,

and couldn't stop thinking about Paris, bakeries, bus stops,

millions and billions of dancing lights far in the distance...

Bats and cats, hoc illuc, at dawn and dusk.
Nox non dormit.
Do cats eat bats?

Thunderstorms, talks about God over lunch, a moving sale, and a going-away party.

And then yesterday, at church, my first hug with her! Pulse: 200 MPH! I wanted to keep on hugging for an eternity! Forever!
but it was getting awkward, so let go.

We leave this afternoon.
My heart is a rock that's fallen to the bottom of my stomach. It's not sadness. It's as if I'm sitting in the cockpit of a spaceship on a winter's day.

I feel invincible!


"5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."

Sleepless nights and parasitic butterflies.

It's raining! The drought has ended! My tomatoes are saved! Rejoice!
Just before lunch, I opened up the windows and back door to hear the rain, but my sister closed them because she thought it was too humid.

Summer nights can be just as sleepless as school nights.

Some nights, I start thinking about every breath I take, and I wonder if my breathing is perhaps too shallow.
I try taking a few deep breaths, but I'm afraid I'll hyperventilate.
Is it my inhaler? Is 4 times a day too much? Is it not enough?
What if I stop breathing altogether after I fall asleep?
I hold my breath. 30 seconds? Why am I not panting?

I usually stay up until 2 or 3,
at which point I'm too tired to worry about dying anymore.

I've been breathing fine lately.
Last night, I stayed up until 2, trying to think of a story for the first mission of a gothic role-playing game I've just started running.
How about a man whose obsession with hands leads him to cut off the hands of everyone in his neighborhood and hide them in his refrigerator? Maybe a story about human-soul-butterflies that eat flesh and a pale girl without genitals would be better. Maybe it could be about a mute, feral girl who is trapped in a house of flesh-eating butterflies that like human hands. Maybe the party should save her from the house, only to have her burn to death in the rising sun. But how would they kill the hordes of butterflies?

This is all stupid.
I figured I'd do it tomorrow morning.

I dreamed about a lonely carnival at 4 AM and Sigur Ros.
My friend made my sister cry, and I screamed at him and started crying as well. All three of us were crying when my mom came to get us.
I headed to the bathroom, and it was like an airport, and nobody was there.
I looked in the mirror.
I thought my hair almost made me look like a schizophrenic.

Couldn't sleep last night...

A young girl is left home alone with only her dog to protect her. When night approaches, she locks all the doors and tries to lock all the windows, but one in the basement won't close.
She decides to leave it open, but locks the basement door and goes to bed. Her dog takes its customary place under her bed.
In the deep of night she awakens to a dripping sound coming from the bathroom. The girl is too scared to go check so she reaches her hand under the bed. She feels a reassuring lick from her dog and falls back to sleep. She reawakens to the dripping sound, reaches her hand down to the dog where she feels the reassuring lick and falls back to sleep. Once more, she awakens to the dripping sound. She reaches her hand down and feels the lick of her dog.
Now curious about the dripping sound, she gets up and slowly walks towards the bathroom, the dripping sound getting louder as she approaches. She reaches the bathroom and turns on the light. She is greeted by a horrific sight; hanging from the shower nozzle is her dog with its throat slit open and its blood dripping into the bathtub.
Something on the bathroom mirror catches her eye; she turns around. Written on the bathroom mirror in her dog's blood are the words "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO".

Alright, so I read a few urban legends before bed, but as long as I don't think too much about them, I'll be fine, right?

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."

Shit...I can't think like that. Reverse psychology. The polar bear experiment.

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."

God, I'm praying now, see? God, help me! God, show me you exist....
No answer. Dead or asleep?

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."
Damn,damn,damn.....

A distraction... Happy thoughts...
Two years have passed, and I'm on the bridge. It's winter, but the water hasn't frozen yet, I think. She's there, and I'm still a little upset.
"Do you think I need to change, perhaps? I don't think I'm measuring up... just tell me what I have to change about myself..." Would I? Maybe I'm not actually so selfish.
I wonder what she would say.

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."
Goddammit.........................

I get up. I'll open the door, I suppose. Anna's still up; I can hear her. Careful, step over the side of the bed, don't wanna get licked......

Let there be light! said the Lord to his world.
The door is open now. The light comes in at a funny angle, all the shadows melt. The story seems so silly with the door open, I thought. The lights outside my window are flickering now in front of my closed eyelids like a television set in an empty room.

I'm cold, so I put on my blankets, but then I'm sweating. Repeat for an hour and then I put on my pajama tops.
I don't remember when I fell asleep.

A video and a story at 1 in the morning...

SHE AND HER CAT

It's by Shinkai.
I can't stand the stuff a lot of people watch these days. Adults drooling over Naruto and Full Moon and stuff... I mean, it's a bit childish, I guess. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just biased, but I like stuff like Haibane Renmei and Satoshi Kon's films a whole lot. KyoAni's nice. And I LOVE Kimi ga Nozomu Eien!
Tragic, beautiful stuff. Makes you think.
Then again, some loli hentai or something every so often doesn't hurt ;)

Oh, also...
Here's the first part of my story for English. I can't think of an ending. It's really been bugging the shit out of me.

'^' <-- it's a new kind of sad smiley, i think... Here:

It was pouring by the time he had arrived at the doors of the city station. Greeted by automatic doors and cold steel and escalators and glass ceilings and harsh halogen lights and silence at 2 in the morning, tired. It was a dream.
But still he dragged his soaked luggage and a wet Rolling Stone through this empty expanse, past nobody else at all.

The train had already come earlier this evening, but he thought maybe he could wait out the rain a bit and board tonight. He regretted it more than anything now.

Down the escalators,
Onto the linoleum of the platform,
Waited on a cold metal bench,
Tuned out the harsh edges of reality with loud music. Nirvana. Freedom from the vicious cycle.
But then the train arrived, glided to a stop,
And it was still raining outside the station, right now, probably. The boy yawned,

And he stepped into an empty cabin. No, there was a girl in the very front right seat.
Don’t mind her. Ignore her. It might be a bit lonely, but save yourself the embarrassment and sit alone. And he was about to sit down in the very first seat to the right.
But she spoke.
“Can you sit over here?”
.
“Uh… alright.” he said, but he was more than happy.

The PA announced the closing of the train’s doors monotonously.
“It’s a bit lonely at 2 in the morning is all. Someone to talk to would be nice.” She looked up at him.
Short, short hair, short shorts, a cami, and a hoodie. He eyed the cup noodles on her fold-out table.
“They have ramen in the vending machines over there. Here, if I had a cup, I’d pour some out for you"

“Not hungry…” Lies. He sat down across from her, in a window seat, and pulled his earphones out.
Silence now.

“So where are you headed?”

“Kaohsiung,” he replied.

(“Oh, I love the bookstore there!” she cried)

“I went to an English school two, three years back.”

“It’s nice to do that, I think.” She said this as she glanced out the window. The rain came harder than ever now, he thought, but it was silenced by the sigh of the AC.
“Reliving old memories, I mean. There’s a bookstore there, you know? It’s on the very top level of that mall… What’s it called?”

“Sogo? The fashion mall, right?”
It did have one on the top floor, right? Or was it a theatre?

“The Bookstore on Top of the World.”

“Is that what it’s called?”

“No, just in my mind.” She smiled. “But it is amazing. I used to think that when I got to college, maybe I could visit every day. Reality fades away when you’re reading.”

She paused.

“I think life is really stressful and overly complicated. You have to give them all a good performance, but it’s not what you really think. And maybe you could tell them how you really feel, but they think you’re just acting. And either way, you feel so guilty in the end because you can’t do anything… like… have you seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”

“I don’t think so. Was that the Hepburn one?”
He looked out the window. Black. They were out of the city now, he thought, or maybe underground.

“You should see it. Audrey’s amazing.” She yawned.
“Are you tired?”

“Not really. You can sleep now if you want.”

She took off her jacket and bunched it into a ball. Makeshift pillow.
“Um, hey… did I get your name?” She closed her eyes.

“Trent.”

“Are you single, Trent?”

“I had a girlfriend in Kaohsiung. Alice."

“What was she like?”

“She was really nice. We went to the carousel together the day just before I left. It was raining, but she wanted to go to the carousel because it would be just like in Catcher, and she looked so nice with the rain running down her face…”
But he caught himself.
“That could have been a line from a bad Korean soap opera...”

She laughed. “Keep going.”

So he told her about how he first met her when he arrived at the boarding school.
He talked about shaved ice in the summer and the comic market in the winter.
He talked about visiting her dorm before the typhoons and watching anime under the colorless and rain-drenched skies, about lonely work at a 7-Eleven’s through the summer nights, about riding mopeds through the neon jungle, about adult video games, 24-hour cafés, stray cats, cheap noodles, the carousel, the carousel, and he kept mentioning the carousel because she loved the carousel a lot.

I shouldn’t be here, she would say, or I don’t belong here, or I want to disappear, and he would take her out for ice cream, or coffee, or maybe just shower her in compliments if he was short on cash.

And often times, he thought, I wonder if life would get better, because it’s so frustratingly empty right now, and he would drown himself out in music, and he would never tell her. Sometimes he wasn’t even sure if he liked her so much, but he wished he did.

And so he promised her that one day, when he was done with his studies, he could return all tired and sweaty, and luggage behind him, and his breath in the air, and cranky taxi drivers in taxis, and they could rent an apartment, and they could live together, and all his friends would be next door, and his sister could visit in the summer, maybe, and…

The girl was asleep.

Somewhere between 3 and 4, he got up and bought some grapefruit juice from the vending machine. Amidst the typhoon, the neon signs of the city danced back and forth like ghosts.

Actually, I hate it now. I hate it completely, and with a passion......................
I was so happy the night I wrote it. I thought it was the best thing in the world. But now? UUUUGGGHHH...

But there was one line I liked in my story....

The world is a pretty big place, he thought. A pretty empty place.

There was the occasional lonely ghost waiting under the bus shelter on spring mornings,

The torrential storms that drains and bleaches the sky every summer,

The autumn evenings spent alone at old manga cafés after school,

The nice ramen they sell in the street booths on cold winter nights,

The trains over water and hundreds and thousands of neon lights that dance from dusk to dawn and hundreds and thousands of satellites that litter the sky like the pool after a storm.

But that wasn’t much, he thought.

it's nice, I think. If i was a visual novel writer, I could rely on music and pictures to do the other 2/3...

But I guess I'm not THAT bad a writer. Just not the best, and maybe a bit corny at times.

So here are the pics from Taiwan ^ - ^

underlined and bold.... Here they are! Taiwan! YAAAAAY!

Another post, another school project...

See, the thing about these posts is I never have time or motivation to post anything on a normal school day. My number of posts is kinda symolic to the number of projects I've put off till the last minute, see? This is my second, so far. Cheers.

What do I have to talk about?



Hmmm... I've been dreaming about a certain girl recently. I like her a lot, and she likes me, I think. So I think it's going to end up nicely somehow, someday, even if I am moving to Taiwan for two years. I know it. Like leaving my friends for two years or not measuring up to the Me of my dreams... It'll work out, you know? I was walking home on Friday and I saw a light coming through a fence, like a portal from another dimension, maybe, and I just wanted to get a glance of what was on the other side... a perfect world, maybe?

Oh, shit, I started thinking about those ghosty articles i read online and im so scared... god, that window... think happy thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It'll work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Everyone loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and maybe i'll be famous someday!!!!!!!!!!the whole world will turn its head! i'll fade away, but i guess it doesn't matter anymore, because i'll have changed something big, to cover up for how much i've mess up so far...

PERFCTION!



and there you have it. the rambling thoughts of a teenage kid. Oh, and a picture! A mosaic from some activity I found on the SurvivingINFP blog, like a mosaic of my life or something. Except with grapefruit juice. I'm in love with that city pic, though.