Totally inane and narcissistic of me, but I'm quite happy with how far Psychic Spy Satellites has come

Angst is jizz in the pants of life.

It's funny how big of a dick I am. I'm not an ordinary dick, either. I'm an erect one, with the semen of my angst spewing out in a million directions.
I don't know.
Ah, I wish...
I wish I could mean something. I sound angsty and stupid, but I don't know how I could say it in any other way: I wish people could really like me for a good reason. I wish the whole world would pay attention to me. I wish I was something significant. But until then, I wish people would stop liking me and get out of my life.
And then I really wish I could express this in some way or another without sounding like an angsty teen blogger.
Really. I mean it. I really piss myself off.

Big Empty.

If anyone likes me, as a friend or otherwise, it probably means they don't know me so well. I'm really quite an un-like-a-ble person. Get that? I'm: •unsympathetic: (of characters in literature or drama) tending to evoke antipathetic feelings. I'm proud (proud of it), narcissistic, elitist, blunt, unprincipled, uncaring, Outshined! and absolutely-brillovely!
I wonder why people like me. I hardly like them. It would be nice if they'd all go away sometimes and leave me to myself. It's the way I'd like to live--just me and the world and nothing between--
to i m p l odeli.keth i s s o r t o f.
Lovely in a dark, unholy kind of way.
Interstellar overdrive.
Quasarly.
Big, colossal slave of a world beholds the immortal child-king in a Jesus Christ pose!;
an empty, godless god of an eternity
and so now, get this, world:
LEAVEMEALONE. <--and see that period?
It's the largest size they have.
FIGht.

Manchester United and famous last words

I am actually psychic. I called those last two shots.
And the latter would go something like this:
"If I could, I would totally be screaming right now."
And then something about invincibility.
I haven't worked that part out yet.

Thunderstorms and dreams

What will the bakery be like? Will it have a blackboard by the door with neon lettering? Perhaps I could draw a picture-of-the-day, or perhaps I would be too lazy...

But...

I dreamed last night that I was late for my PE Finals all over again.

They were riding horses and playing football, and I had never ridden a horse in my life. I kept smothering my horse's face.
Finally, they let out a cow for the final project and it began to attack my horse. I led my horse out to a field to escape from the cow, but they all kept prompting me back.
"You have to do this!" they all screamed, "You'll fail, Zephy!"
But the moment the gate opened, the cow was there,
and it began goring my horse,
and she bled and bled, and then she died,
and I started to cry because it was all my fault and their fault and I was angrier than anything in the world because the horse was Moses before he found God, and the horse was empty, and she never even found why she existed.

That day, I spent until 5 at the Lab talking with my friend about education and gay rights and all sorts of stuff, and we need to start a band and get the whole world to turn her head! "Listen up!"

But when I went to dinner today, it was raining and thundering, and I didn't have an umbrella. Nature can be quite annoying at times. And I told nature "you know, if you think you can kill me, you can't! I happen to be invincible, and I shall not die until I find why I exist!"
but then it thundered very hard, so I lowered my voice a bit...
it's a bad idea to piss Thunder off...

I still think I shall not die.
I am invincible, in case you didn't know.

I don't even know what to write about these days.

Psychic spy satellites.

I don't have much time to write much anymore,
nor much to write much about, and I can't write as well as I used to,
in June.
I wish I was a girl, so I wouldn't be so angry all the time,

but the world seems like an awfully big place, and there are too many things to do,
and too mant things to believe in,
and to disbelieve,
and you're not quite sure which will lead you anywhere,
or which is true, if there is such a thing at all,
so you drift a bit toward any planet that you pass,
merry-go-around it,
and then you're off f f f f f .

I only wish they would give you a map.

Pisces, again.



Hey,
let's have bubbles at our wedding.

Right about now, I'm wondering how I'll finish so many pictures before school starts in 5 days.
I would like go to Paris with...
Darn, I still don't know what to call her.

Summer makes laziness.

3... 2... 1...
SEX PISTOLS!!!!!!!!!!!,
"F the Press, Michael's the best!",
Whattotalkabout?

God answers prayers.
I'm friends with the girl in my art class,
the girl I liked likes me back,
the girl who was upset with me is talking to me again,
and something amazing really did happen: Taiwan...

I'm not so sure what I should do now. Should I try talking to God again? Nothing amazing ever happens when I do, anyway. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Blablablabla.

I've been dreaming about school and tests and that girl in art for four days straight now,
and this boredom is killing me and my writing abilities....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa;lksjdflaksjdfaslkdjf;laskdjfa;lskdjfa;lskdjfa;slkdjf
I wish I could miss people and why can't I ever miss anyone and why don't I ever feel bad for people getting killed on TV? and trying to like someone can be so hard sometimes! and I'm selfish...........................................
The-heat-fries-your-brain-like-a-fried-banananananana...........

Jasper and Alice!

My favorite couple in the series! Yay!
My family doesn't seem to like the dried hydrangeas I picked from outside, and I'm listening to Black Holes and Revelations.

Bible study

I came late, and they had gone to TGI Friday's for dinner.
I chased the fireflies and watched swallows over the lake for an hour before they came.

We only had 15 minutes left by the time we started, and there were only five of us, but we had a lot of fun.

On the way home, the guy told me I had a good heart, and it made me happy.
And I thought, "God's children are quite nice, after all."
I don't think I've ever thought so well of God in a while.

Perhaps I'm looking forward to meeting next Tuesday.

Songwriting and shoujo manga?

Has it snowed yet where you are? I'd talk all night with you, but it's 3, and my ramen's getting cold.
Maybe you could visit this December, and then we could talk some more, but I really have to go...

Blablablablabla...
Blablablabla...
Bla...
I can't believe I'm writing stuff like this.
Perhaps it's the influence of Twilight,
Or the numerous shoujo titles I've been devouring as of late...(tis Kare Kano, my current series... Arima is so like my best friend!)

Sleepover, fishing trip

On Friday I spent the whole day shopping, wasted $20 (and some borrowed money) in stickers and nail polish and jewelry until evening.
I left with:

One (1) My Chemical Romance sticker

One (1) Marilyn Monroe sticker

One (1) Grateful Dead skull with shrooms inside sticker

One (1) fate-deciding seaweed bracelet that grows in water

One (1) color-changing nail polish for someone special

Fate was a pervert and awesome, and she placed our hotel room across from Crabby Dick's, where we ate dinner and shot a few photos for memories. A subsequent photo-shoot at Wal-mart added 100 more pictures to the camera.

That night, a documentary on ghosts came on. Bedtime at 11, and I slept at 1. It was hot, my friend took the whole bed because he was scared, and I sat up several times to wipe the sweat.
It's a good thing that it got colder later that night, or I would have stayed up forever. Unfortunately, my sleeping bag was on the floor.
"Humans can lick too."

The next day, awakened at 7 or 8 and read Twilight through the light from between the blinds. It was raining again. My friend wanted to sleep, so I turned the alarm off for him.

Checking out of the hotel was the hard part. No guy wants to be caught dead reading Twilight, especially by hordes of high school cheerleaders on vacation.
Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, Jacob Black, Mary Sue.

We didn't fish; we just watched. Fishing is animal cruelty.
My friend almost cried for them. I only wish I could.

My Chemical Romance, perverted jokes, sand castles and popsicles passed time under rainy skies until dinner, and then perverted jokes and birds and bees stole the ride home. No aliens attacked our car that night, though. Fate was on our side again.
A new language to confuse curious parental eavesdroppers, too.

"Maybe why can't fish tell sticks when they're blue? Maybe sticks are usually pretty open about it."
"Maybe which tastes better: fins or tail?"
"Maybe have you ever gotten blue looking at the SH fish?"
"Maybe not......................"

"Maybe these parents are either complete idiots or pretending to not understand."

She was gone when I got back. I still had the bracelet.
I kept wondering why she still liked me, and so much more than I like her.
Out on the bridge before class on Sunday, I cried a little for I don't know why.
I wasn't even sad, I don't think.

Today I...

I had my art finals today.
Everyone at my table was doing pretty badly, even my friend who's usually just about the greatest artist in the class. But halfway through the period, that really seriously cute girl who sits at the other table lifts up her picture and....

She's a better artist.

I knew it all along, but she'd compliment my works so much that perhaps for a second I believed I was better.
Whatever.
I spent the rest of the period scribbling snakes and Alice-isms and ecstasy all over my picture.

It turns out there are better artists than me, better speakers than me, better writers than me. What does that make me? I'm pink again on that graph, right? Or lower...
My invincibility left.

Logic goes poof when emotions sink in.

A poof-kitty...

Today, I...

• Dreamed of brilliant blue and open skies, thanks to a conversation with a certain someone awesome yesterday,

• Came to school with two (2!) friendship bracelets and a Rolling Stones shirt,

• Failed an English test with pride by writing absolutely nothing on the paper,

• Passed my History class with a 9 on an essay and the highest score in the class on the written portion,

• Had the students applaud after every comment I gave as Neitzsche in the World Congress and was given a special opportunity by the teacher to make a final speech (oh, perhaps not so bad at public speaking after all?),

• Came home early, ate at Arby's (tis hard to decide which mixture of horsey, HM, and Arby's will taste best on roast beef),

• Finished my first friendship bracelet, which isn't a turtle (yes!!! excited! What will she think of it?)
  

• Feel invincible!

Perhaps I'm more of a brown on that bar graph down there?
Oh, a pang of guilt... arrogance?

Spirit Animals

My friend said I was perhaps a gecko or a mouse or some other small animal, but i want to be a bird, like be free and reckless, small and gentle and flying...
Is it my glasses, perhaps? Does that give off a gecko vibe?
Pisces.

Maybe

one day i'll be amazing
and this blog will be a time capsule...

A video and a story at 1 in the morning...

SHE AND HER CAT

It's by Shinkai.
I can't stand the stuff a lot of people watch these days. Adults drooling over Naruto and Full Moon and stuff... I mean, it's a bit childish, I guess. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just biased, but I like stuff like Haibane Renmei and Satoshi Kon's films a whole lot. KyoAni's nice. And I LOVE Kimi ga Nozomu Eien!
Tragic, beautiful stuff. Makes you think.
Then again, some loli hentai or something every so often doesn't hurt ;)

Oh, also...
Here's the first part of my story for English. I can't think of an ending. It's really been bugging the shit out of me.

'^' <-- it's a new kind of sad smiley, i think... Here:

It was pouring by the time he had arrived at the doors of the city station. Greeted by automatic doors and cold steel and escalators and glass ceilings and harsh halogen lights and silence at 2 in the morning, tired. It was a dream.
But still he dragged his soaked luggage and a wet Rolling Stone through this empty expanse, past nobody else at all.

The train had already come earlier this evening, but he thought maybe he could wait out the rain a bit and board tonight. He regretted it more than anything now.

Down the escalators,
Onto the linoleum of the platform,
Waited on a cold metal bench,
Tuned out the harsh edges of reality with loud music. Nirvana. Freedom from the vicious cycle.
But then the train arrived, glided to a stop,
And it was still raining outside the station, right now, probably. The boy yawned,

And he stepped into an empty cabin. No, there was a girl in the very front right seat.
Don’t mind her. Ignore her. It might be a bit lonely, but save yourself the embarrassment and sit alone. And he was about to sit down in the very first seat to the right.
But she spoke.
“Can you sit over here?”
.
“Uh… alright.” he said, but he was more than happy.

The PA announced the closing of the train’s doors monotonously.
“It’s a bit lonely at 2 in the morning is all. Someone to talk to would be nice.” She looked up at him.
Short, short hair, short shorts, a cami, and a hoodie. He eyed the cup noodles on her fold-out table.
“They have ramen in the vending machines over there. Here, if I had a cup, I’d pour some out for you"

“Not hungry…” Lies. He sat down across from her, in a window seat, and pulled his earphones out.
Silence now.

“So where are you headed?”

“Kaohsiung,” he replied.

(“Oh, I love the bookstore there!” she cried)

“I went to an English school two, three years back.”

“It’s nice to do that, I think.” She said this as she glanced out the window. The rain came harder than ever now, he thought, but it was silenced by the sigh of the AC.
“Reliving old memories, I mean. There’s a bookstore there, you know? It’s on the very top level of that mall… What’s it called?”

“Sogo? The fashion mall, right?”
It did have one on the top floor, right? Or was it a theatre?

“The Bookstore on Top of the World.”

“Is that what it’s called?”

“No, just in my mind.” She smiled. “But it is amazing. I used to think that when I got to college, maybe I could visit every day. Reality fades away when you’re reading.”

She paused.

“I think life is really stressful and overly complicated. You have to give them all a good performance, but it’s not what you really think. And maybe you could tell them how you really feel, but they think you’re just acting. And either way, you feel so guilty in the end because you can’t do anything… like… have you seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”

“I don’t think so. Was that the Hepburn one?”
He looked out the window. Black. They were out of the city now, he thought, or maybe underground.

“You should see it. Audrey’s amazing.” She yawned.
“Are you tired?”

“Not really. You can sleep now if you want.”

She took off her jacket and bunched it into a ball. Makeshift pillow.
“Um, hey… did I get your name?” She closed her eyes.

“Trent.”

“Are you single, Trent?”

“I had a girlfriend in Kaohsiung. Alice."

“What was she like?”

“She was really nice. We went to the carousel together the day just before I left. It was raining, but she wanted to go to the carousel because it would be just like in Catcher, and she looked so nice with the rain running down her face…”
But he caught himself.
“That could have been a line from a bad Korean soap opera...”

She laughed. “Keep going.”

So he told her about how he first met her when he arrived at the boarding school.
He talked about shaved ice in the summer and the comic market in the winter.
He talked about visiting her dorm before the typhoons and watching anime under the colorless and rain-drenched skies, about lonely work at a 7-Eleven’s through the summer nights, about riding mopeds through the neon jungle, about adult video games, 24-hour cafés, stray cats, cheap noodles, the carousel, the carousel, and he kept mentioning the carousel because she loved the carousel a lot.

I shouldn’t be here, she would say, or I don’t belong here, or I want to disappear, and he would take her out for ice cream, or coffee, or maybe just shower her in compliments if he was short on cash.

And often times, he thought, I wonder if life would get better, because it’s so frustratingly empty right now, and he would drown himself out in music, and he would never tell her. Sometimes he wasn’t even sure if he liked her so much, but he wished he did.

And so he promised her that one day, when he was done with his studies, he could return all tired and sweaty, and luggage behind him, and his breath in the air, and cranky taxi drivers in taxis, and they could rent an apartment, and they could live together, and all his friends would be next door, and his sister could visit in the summer, maybe, and…

The girl was asleep.

Somewhere between 3 and 4, he got up and bought some grapefruit juice from the vending machine. Amidst the typhoon, the neon signs of the city danced back and forth like ghosts.

Actually, I hate it now. I hate it completely, and with a passion......................
I was so happy the night I wrote it. I thought it was the best thing in the world. But now? UUUUGGGHHH...

But there was one line I liked in my story....

The world is a pretty big place, he thought. A pretty empty place.

There was the occasional lonely ghost waiting under the bus shelter on spring mornings,

The torrential storms that drains and bleaches the sky every summer,

The autumn evenings spent alone at old manga cafés after school,

The nice ramen they sell in the street booths on cold winter nights,

The trains over water and hundreds and thousands of neon lights that dance from dusk to dawn and hundreds and thousands of satellites that litter the sky like the pool after a storm.

But that wasn’t much, he thought.

it's nice, I think. If i was a visual novel writer, I could rely on music and pictures to do the other 2/3...

But I guess I'm not THAT bad a writer. Just not the best, and maybe a bit corny at times.

Long, Retarded Rant (please ignore)

Today is one of those days...
It's snowing, I'm in love, and maybe I deserve to feel happy for once, but I'm really, really upset.

Perhaps it's the fact that I have a crush on three girls at once, or perhaps it's because I look bad and can't ever afford to buy the kind of clothes that I've planned to dress in, or perhaps it's because I can never be that relaxed, kind, social guy I want to be, or...

I think I'll take a personality quiz. Most only ever say good things about you. The ones that criticize you enough never get popular.

It's true, isn't it?

Hmmm...

I would like very much to scream something to the world and give my ideas all the attention they could ever wish for. I would like to be able to write my own Story, without anything ever interfering with my plans... play God for a day, though I'm sure I wouldn't be fit for the job even for such a time...

It's like the 90's, right? Gen X, Nirvana, burning out...

I would like to burn out. Perhaps I'll be remembered for saying "The world is beautiful" at the end of a tragic life... the irony!

But perhaps happiness is the most important thing.

Just chemicals swirling in your brain... dopamine and endorphins? Are we all just little wind-up bunnies programmed to feed our desires and prosper? Perhaps. But it doesn't matter... I would like to be happy, to make others happy (how foolish, when we only get so long to enjoy ourselves)...

Taoism is a nice philosophy, though I don't quite understand all of it.

A boy at our school has disappeared. I hope to God he hasn't killed himself. I would like to tell him how much I miss him when he gets back, if he ever does...

I would like to be bisexual.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about.

And perhaps I've ranted enough now. I can't seem to make myself feel any better, nor can I write at all today. It's coming out very forced and cheesy, like a bad teen novel full of male Mary-Sue vampires...

And I'm too lazy to post a drawing today, or even a picture of Kurt.

Maybe I'll be somebody someday.