Infidelity

I hate how it makes front page news these days.
Of course, I'd probably not do it out of my love for my wife, but I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it if she did it. I'm me, she's her.

That's all I wanted to say tonight. Pretty boring, right?

Oh, I hope you internet administrator guys are reading this, too.

You that anime blog that you got all worked up about for its "adult content"? I happened to be doing a paper on the necessity of abridging First Amendment rights and censoring stuff.
I'd like to say I respect your role in keeping our school internet school-appropriate, while still giving us the freedom to write letters and journals and shit. Props to you guys.

If you're reading this journal, though, it would be nice if you could stop.
See, when I get rich and famous one day, I'll be glad to show the whole world my amazing childhood.
But, see...
If you read everything I post about how I'm a lolicon, how I wanna try ecstasy, how I wanna be a nudist and shit now, as I post it, you might be upset--
Because by the time it comes out, this story about this spokesman for a generation was all spoiled to you several decades ago.
Now, you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?
I understand that I'm an interesting guy with an amazing life.
But if you're that interested in every single little detail of my hella awesome existence, please, for your own sakes: wait 20 years or so.

Thanks.

Yeah. Nothing more.
Oh, did you know Jonathan Swift had multiple affairs?

Burning Incense to the Big Empty

In the small groups, the guys are asking us what we worship. They'd like to think most people in the world worship themselves. I don't think it's true.

I love myself, and I think I'm quite amazing, but I rarely give a damn if it doesn't go my way. The whole world kind of just happens, see? Not a whole lot I can do to change stuff.

I like my girlfriend. Some guy likes her. I think it's pretty cool. I think it would be interesting if she started liking him. I'm not one to get jealous, anyway. There was that girl back in 7th grade--I found out she liked some guy who looked cool. I was pretty happy for her.

And interesting ideas, perhaps I worship those. Saving my ideas on blog or paper or wherever. I care a bit about that. I care when my friend ignores my ideas--I care enough to stop hanging out with him for that.

And maybe I like other things. Like I cry sometimes, when my mom talks to me on the phone, and she thinks it's because I miss her. But maybe not. Sometimes you just want to cry for no reason at all, you know?

I have a justification for the guys in Rise and Fall and why they keep sticks of incense in their mouths now:
An absurdist, self-worshipping culture. The neo-Dada.

Projection as a Freudian Defense Mechanism:

That cute girl in my Bible class, it's funny...
she reminded me of somebody I liked long ago, and I was expecting her voice to sound sorta like that... it's so much deeper than I expected! It was so absurd!

somebody awesome makes me happy.

I usually think of them before lunch. It must that a hungry stomach feels so much like a stomach in love that I often can't tell the difference.

My brain wants to poop:

Everybody wants to change the world into the way they want. Power is the ability to cause change in the world. Power over other people means the power to use them as a means to achieve your dream end.
How can you possibly say the past exists in time and space?, saith Mr. Tall Guy in 1984. The past exists in records and in human minds. Perhaps reality itself exists only in the mind. One's reality is their mind's interpretation of the sensory input they're recieving.
The mind is everything. Consciousness is your perception of your existence. If you could get a machine to believe it exists, what difference would it have from all us beings with "souls"?

my mind is unusually cluttered today.

God, are you there? I need you for my missions class.

Softskins

It's quite hard to express any sort of angst without sounding whiny, and I'm trying very hard...

Just this afternoon, I gave a stupid speech. I'm pretty bummed out right about now...

Not so confident of my own writing abilities, but I'm sure my speech teacher thinks I'm boring.

Something else I'd really like to say, though I'm sure I'd really, really hurt somebody if I said it here...
It upsets me how many people read this.

Hmm... What else?

I want that story to turn out perfectly, also, the one about the narcissistic guy and the scooter. I want everyone to go "oh, that guy's still a good guy, even if he's completely mean to leave all the people floundering like that, even if he only lives for himself." It's mary-sue to do that, I know, to fall in love with your character like that. But I'd be pretty happy.
I hate how all the unselfish people hate the selfish people.

Just a bunch of complaints, mind you.
I'm an optimist.
I'm not sad.

Kill Fight Death the World

An anniversary and a train ride back

Eight mosquito bites on your hand are quite painful, and sleep leaks out the holes by night. By tomorrow afternoon, it all becomes quite odd, and a small spider walking alone on a table could make you cry, and the trees so high above look so funny, and you forget the spider and begin laughing...
Twas my grandparents' anniversary yesterday, and I kept tearing up as they talked about growing up so long ago, and military service, and crushing crackers under your feet in rebellion...
I returned to my dorm that afternoon on a train, and it got darker and darker outside, and by night, the small towns our train passed by and the stops full of empty train cabins were all so grand! And a robotic arm, and a chip that could stop pain--grand! We people, we're all so very weak, but we're so very grand, and so we build these grand, grand, grand, grand, grand citiesm and these grand, grand, grand little towns, and these grand little trains between the cities and towns... what a nice word that is! Grand!
But by the time we arrived, it was all dark, and all the restaurants near the station were full, regardless of the yuckness of them all....
and then...

I'm still tired, and quite upset at all the homework they're making us do and all the expectations we're required to fulfill... Parents need to be accepting, by the way... and so much homework, and I wish everyone could see sex as the amazingly beautiful act it is, or I think it is... and I need a white tee to tie-dye.
Maybe I'll stop by after dinner to get those pictures of the boat burning festival I never got...

I wish I could just fall asleep right about now and wake up two years later...

Talking Heads,


Yeah Yeah Yeahs,

Man Man,
Shiny Toy Guns,
Butthole Surfers,
Neu,
Phish,
Craftwerk,
Jesus and Mary Chain,
Christian Death,
Franz Ferdinand,
Gogol Bordello,
experimental rock,

Jesus Christ Pose

And Alas! the entry on the dream has already taken up 2 hours worth of blogging!, and yet so much more remains to be said tonight...

A day in an empty field, and greeting the nice birds and the nice leaf and the nice Marilyn Monroe cat,
A waste of a day spent on an old Godzilla flick which glitched like all hell,
The grand pastime known by the name The Floor is Lava, and the rules thereof,
A night at a Jazz festival, a visit to a sealed construction site and an electrical room of sorts, a million couples making out, quite a few good biker guys
A junior carnival where I sold the drinks, a container of dry ice there, a tired horse on the field that night,
The boys who started a reggae band in the ministry room, a journalism article I've yet to begin writing,
Moi, playing Santeria on the roof, late at night, the city below me!,
A halo drawn by rock on concrete, "FIGHT THE WORLD," my wonderful Jesus Christ pose that afternoon,
My wonderful girlfriend and the (almost as) wonderful new necklaces she made,
And I think I'm allowed to call her that now...
I think that's all.

Tonight, I think I'll be making up for some lost sleep...

A reply

LISTEN UP! YOU ARE AMAZING!

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE AMAZING!

ANYONE WHO DISAGREES CAN BE SHOT IN THE HEAD!

I mean it, I've said it before, I hope you never forget it!

And I don't know what to say about not liking somebody
--i'm not sure how i can make myself like somebody, after all,

or if it's possible to make feelings stay with someone forever, and I'm sure if I was God, I would change that--
but no matter what I feel, I won't ever let go! ever! Remember that!

(this is where you listen up, world!)

We
are

invincible!
you, I, unbreakable,

our diamond middle fingers to the world in de-fi-ance!

And IF anything ever gets in our face,
we shall SCREAM! at the top of our jaded lungs
to this peabodied world (ten feet in diameter) and
its miniscule mental mechemicalism: feelings, falling-in-love shit, w/e
and the two (2) years and
thousands (approximately, of course) of miles separating us!

And really, i think it wouldn't stand a chance.
it's puny. it's scared.
it's Nietzsche before the divine countenance.
we
are

God!

(a diagram for easier comprehension)^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPECIAL PERSON!

It's your 17th year on this planet! That officially makes you older and more experienced than me.
I really do wish I could go to your birthday, or at least give you a present, but unfortunately, all the stuff I would give you is still in Taiwan... I certainly hope it gets through soon enough...

Hmm... it's always harder to write something genuine and all without sounding horribly corny... harder when there's horrible R&B playing in the background...
Um...
Let's not ever leave each other, even after all the feelings are gone and it gets really hard, and two years and a thousand miles can't kill us! Let's prove all the skeptics and annoyingly-proby moms wrong!
Haha, that was quite horrible and corny...
Hmmm...
Well, I hope you have a nice 17th year on this earth! And I suppose I've told you this already somewhere else, but here's a secret: you are invincible, and you'll always be invincible! Don't listen to the critics!

And maybe my biggest question is what kind of cake you'll get. I'm sure nobody could bake a cake even half as good as you can, but making a cake for yourself is pretty redundant, isn't it? They have some pretty weird cake flavors, by the way. And ham isn't one of them, but ham is just the grossest thing ever. Who would want to eat meat drenched in salt water? Unless they're really deficient on sodium or something...

Well, it's hard to write well-ly with all that horrible pop music blasting, but happy 17th year on earth! I hope you find something amazing to live for and plenty of amazing people! And be sure to tell me when that something amazing shows up, because I'm looking harder than anything!

NEVER SAY DIE! Be invincible, awesome person! Defeat the world!

sincerely, you-know-who!

Thunderstorms and dreams

What will the bakery be like? Will it have a blackboard by the door with neon lettering? Perhaps I could draw a picture-of-the-day, or perhaps I would be too lazy...

But...

I dreamed last night that I was late for my PE Finals all over again.

They were riding horses and playing football, and I had never ridden a horse in my life. I kept smothering my horse's face.
Finally, they let out a cow for the final project and it began to attack my horse. I led my horse out to a field to escape from the cow, but they all kept prompting me back.
"You have to do this!" they all screamed, "You'll fail, Zephy!"
But the moment the gate opened, the cow was there,
and it began goring my horse,
and she bled and bled, and then she died,
and I started to cry because it was all my fault and their fault and I was angrier than anything in the world because the horse was Moses before he found God, and the horse was empty, and she never even found why she existed.

That day, I spent until 5 at the Lab talking with my friend about education and gay rights and all sorts of stuff, and we need to start a band and get the whole world to turn her head! "Listen up!"

But when I went to dinner today, it was raining and thundering, and I didn't have an umbrella. Nature can be quite annoying at times. And I told nature "you know, if you think you can kill me, you can't! I happen to be invincible, and I shall not die until I find why I exist!"
but then it thundered very hard, so I lowered my voice a bit...
it's a bad idea to piss Thunder off...

I still think I shall not die.
I am invincible, in case you didn't know.

I don't even know what to write about these days.

From a facebook note:

But for now, let’s not give up, ever, because one day, we will be in Paris, I promise, and I’ll scream down to the world and Time and Fate, and everyone else in that conspiracy, “Take a look at us now! We’re invincible! You guys thought you could tear us down by sending us creepy voices through our phone lines? You guys are all pathetic!”

I love you, and I would totally love you more if I could!


Eternal optimism and never say die!

Neologisms

Neologisms are a sign of schizophrenia, said my Psych textbook.
It worries me.

On Monday, I stayed at the computer lab until 5 to finish my English, and as I wrote, it rained and rained and rained and rained, and the world melted in the rain, and even after I was done, it was raining torrentially, so I stepped outside under the portico, and the anti-island indentationaty-places of the plaza all became pools, and the soaked boys played and jumped and threw water at one another and the soaked birds flew, and I was just so happy I felt like laughing silently for an eternity,
and I walked under the portico until I reached the main office.

The tired granite floors there had little black footprints all over where they absorbed water, like shingles. It was still a forever-distance to the dorm from the main office, so I traced water all over the floor as I contemplated whether or not I should return to the dorm.
When the rain didn't stop, I wrote "LOVE" on the floor and ran for the dorms with my cellphone tucked into a plastic folder.

On the way, I met a bunch of soaked dragonflies dancing in the rain. I apologized for crashing into them so suddenly, and I must have looked hilarious with a flimsy folder held over my head. I really wanted to laugh for an eternity.

Love is when you're not sure where your feelings have gone, but then you realize you would gladly give up anything in your life if it made them happier,
and my English papers want to know if you can claim artistic license for English class.

Here at school and dreams and things...

The Sunday before I left, I dreamed I was at a school.
As I talked to my friend about the sermon that morning, she passed by my class.
I followed her past a dark room of sleeping people watching an old French movie. She was standing in the hall with her friends. I ran up to her.
I was so happy I hardly noticed she was three heads taller.

Sunday seemed to pass ultra-super-fast:
Ate a sandwich, packed my stuff, a train ride, a taxi ride.
It was almost dark when I arrived.
The school is like a maze of labs and dorms and counseling centers, and then mom left me to die.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

I drew a picture for her after dinner, watched some people play video games, and lights out came before I had time to shower.

Alas, waves of joy passing through my open mind, chasing away sleep,

and couldn't stop thinking about Paris, bakeries, bus stops,

millions and billions of dancing lights far in the distance...

Bats and cats, hoc illuc, at dawn and dusk.
Nox non dormit.
Do cats eat bats?

Thunderstorms, talks about God over lunch, a moving sale, and a going-away party.

And then yesterday, at church, my first hug with her! Pulse: 200 MPH! I wanted to keep on hugging for an eternity! Forever!
but it was getting awkward, so let go.

We leave this afternoon.
My heart is a rock that's fallen to the bottom of my stomach. It's not sadness. It's as if I'm sitting in the cockpit of a spaceship on a winter's day.

I feel invincible!


"5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."

Memories and love stuff

As I was packing, I found a bunch of stuff from 7th and 8th grade.

Two years isn't so much, you can't stay in love forever, and feelings aren't everything in a relationship.

Bags, bags, bags!

Our whole house is quite empty right now, except for big boxes and garbage bags around every corner.
People are making scrapbook pages for us.
I'm worrying my ass off trying to figure out what to give everyone before I leave.

Look at the counter on the bottom of the page. How many days is that? And I don't have a single present yet, except for... what do I call her? I can't get myself to say "girlfriend." Would she be fine with that?
Well, she's got a bag of presents in a color-changing Del Sol bag now, but she's only one of 7? 8?

Never mind! A bag for everyone, I say!
Bags, bags, bags!
A Forever XXI for her, a PacSun for him,
and what about Papaya or WetSeal or Urban Outfitters?
With that 500 dollars I just got from that nice lady, I'm not short on cash,
but 7 people?

God, can you hear me again? Could you lend me some of those God-powers right about now?The Verve is an alright band. Cat Power is great.
And no matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving My Chem.

Parental Guidance

It's harder to love someone when someone so close to you disapproves,
and guitar has become a waste of time.

Tonight, tonight!

Like the Pumpkins song!

Summer nights,
and open doors,
and the whir of fans before bed...
I hear thunder in the distance.

Tonight at 6, I'm going to my best friend's house for a dinner with some really amazing people that I really like,
but I feel so inferior...

Pisces, perhaps.

Last night I dreamed someone came back from China early.

P.S.: Corgan=Way?

Summer makes laziness.

3... 2... 1...
SEX PISTOLS!!!!!!!!!!!,
"F the Press, Michael's the best!",
Whattotalkabout?

God answers prayers.
I'm friends with the girl in my art class,
the girl I liked likes me back,
the girl who was upset with me is talking to me again,
and something amazing really did happen: Taiwan...

I'm not so sure what I should do now. Should I try talking to God again? Nothing amazing ever happens when I do, anyway. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Blablablabla.

I've been dreaming about school and tests and that girl in art for four days straight now,
and this boredom is killing me and my writing abilities....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa;lksjdflaksjdfaslkdjf;laskdjfa;lskdjfa;lskdjfa;slkdjf
I wish I could miss people and why can't I ever miss anyone and why don't I ever feel bad for people getting killed on TV? and trying to like someone can be so hard sometimes! and I'm selfish...........................................
The-heat-fries-your-brain-like-a-fried-banananananana...........

For someone amazing:

The secret-message-rock is done.
It even has a little ribbon on it,
and I made my sister take $1,
compensation for all the ribbons I've ever borrowed from her, of course...

And a hug as well, for the most amazing person in the world,
In case we never get a chance...
I miss you, amazing person!