HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPECIAL PERSON!

It's your 17th year on this planet! That officially makes you older and more experienced than me.
I really do wish I could go to your birthday, or at least give you a present, but unfortunately, all the stuff I would give you is still in Taiwan... I certainly hope it gets through soon enough...

Hmm... it's always harder to write something genuine and all without sounding horribly corny... harder when there's horrible R&B playing in the background...
Um...
Let's not ever leave each other, even after all the feelings are gone and it gets really hard, and two years and a thousand miles can't kill us! Let's prove all the skeptics and annoyingly-proby moms wrong!
Haha, that was quite horrible and corny...
Hmmm...
Well, I hope you have a nice 17th year on this earth! And I suppose I've told you this already somewhere else, but here's a secret: you are invincible, and you'll always be invincible! Don't listen to the critics!

And maybe my biggest question is what kind of cake you'll get. I'm sure nobody could bake a cake even half as good as you can, but making a cake for yourself is pretty redundant, isn't it? They have some pretty weird cake flavors, by the way. And ham isn't one of them, but ham is just the grossest thing ever. Who would want to eat meat drenched in salt water? Unless they're really deficient on sodium or something...

Well, it's hard to write well-ly with all that horrible pop music blasting, but happy 17th year on earth! I hope you find something amazing to live for and plenty of amazing people! And be sure to tell me when that something amazing shows up, because I'm looking harder than anything!

NEVER SAY DIE! Be invincible, awesome person! Defeat the world!

sincerely, you-know-who!