The last 24 hours.

The night before my friend left, he made me stay up.
We walked out to the bridge as the sun was rising, and we lay on our backs for a very long time before our youth minister called us to tell us his mom was coming. Then his parents took a while packing all his stuff and we talked about the road trip and our future.
As his car pulled out, he stuck his hand out the sun window of his car and we started waving to each other and we didn't stop waving until his car made a right turn at the street.
I was still waving for a few seconds until I was sure he was gone.

In the morning Bible study, I was falling asleep in the prayers.

We met up at Chipotle's afterwards.
As we waited for it to open at 11 AM, we found a bee. It was stuffing a hole in the brick with mulch, but every time it stuffed a large piece, three pieces of mulch would fall out. It was oblivious to this, apparently, because the ground was littered with mulch around his hole-in-the-brick. He would also get lost and confuse one of the many other identical holes around his nest to be his from time to time.
What a frustrating endeavor.

For lunch, me, my sisters, and a boy shared a burrito. I hate how have to make the steak so spicy.

We watched Up afterwards, and then I stayed at church watching my friends play Call of Duty until 4, when I went over to one of my friends' house and played Red Alert 2 until 10 that night.
"They hide behind their technology like skeerd cheeldrin."

I fell asleep as soon as I got in bed.

I wonder if maybe I'll get stressed out in Taiwan.
I wish I could grab a bunch of balloons one day and sail away from the strict boarding school and all that and land in America.

75% of girls and 100% of guys before their 18th birthday.

Some people I know are bothered by something that's completely normal.
I wish adults would educate us better about these things.

Life is awfully boring now.
I'm done with the letters for everyone,
Still waiting for someone to come back from China.

What else?

I'd like to be a ghost after I die. Like a human one, in a world with a lot more human ghosts. Maybe I could find some non-ghosts and we could talk about the differences between our lives.
"I wonder what it's like to live forever."
"The road trips are the best part."

I will miss America.

I think it's a mouse.

There's a strange scratching sound from the right wall of my basement. You can hear it from upstairs.

Sleepless nights and parasitic butterflies.

It's raining! The drought has ended! My tomatoes are saved! Rejoice!
Just before lunch, I opened up the windows and back door to hear the rain, but my sister closed them because she thought it was too humid.

Summer nights can be just as sleepless as school nights.

Some nights, I start thinking about every breath I take, and I wonder if my breathing is perhaps too shallow.
I try taking a few deep breaths, but I'm afraid I'll hyperventilate.
Is it my inhaler? Is 4 times a day too much? Is it not enough?
What if I stop breathing altogether after I fall asleep?
I hold my breath. 30 seconds? Why am I not panting?

I usually stay up until 2 or 3,
at which point I'm too tired to worry about dying anymore.

I've been breathing fine lately.
Last night, I stayed up until 2, trying to think of a story for the first mission of a gothic role-playing game I've just started running.
How about a man whose obsession with hands leads him to cut off the hands of everyone in his neighborhood and hide them in his refrigerator? Maybe a story about human-soul-butterflies that eat flesh and a pale girl without genitals would be better. Maybe it could be about a mute, feral girl who is trapped in a house of flesh-eating butterflies that like human hands. Maybe the party should save her from the house, only to have her burn to death in the rising sun. But how would they kill the hordes of butterflies?

This is all stupid.
I figured I'd do it tomorrow morning.

I dreamed about a lonely carnival at 4 AM and Sigur Ros.
My friend made my sister cry, and I screamed at him and started crying as well. All three of us were crying when my mom came to get us.
I headed to the bathroom, and it was like an airport, and nobody was there.
I looked in the mirror.
I thought my hair almost made me look like a schizophrenic.

Memories and love stuff

As I was packing, I found a bunch of stuff from 7th and 8th grade.

Two years isn't so much, you can't stay in love forever, and feelings aren't everything in a relationship.

Die, die, my darling!

While I've been gone:

Sleepovers, shooting fireworks in the street, shooting fireworks at people, sneaking out, water parks, Truth or Dare, Tetris, Kirby: Nightmare in Dreamland, sleepless nights, the smell of nail polish in my sisters' room, skunks on the road, long car trips, visiting the Taiwanese embassy, bourgeoisie McDonalds in downtown DC, shopping at the mall, loud music, this, trashing stuff, closed-minded old people, gross fat people, annoying little kids, a lot more screaming at my annoying, closed-minded parents than usual,
all bouncing around inside my head.

Right about now, life is like one of those weird-looking bugs, stuck between the two layers of glass in your window,
beating itself to death,

Only there are a million of them, and they won't die.

Bags, bags, bags!

Our whole house is quite empty right now, except for big boxes and garbage bags around every corner.
People are making scrapbook pages for us.
I'm worrying my ass off trying to figure out what to give everyone before I leave.

Look at the counter on the bottom of the page. How many days is that? And I don't have a single present yet, except for... what do I call her? I can't get myself to say "girlfriend." Would she be fine with that?
Well, she's got a bag of presents in a color-changing Del Sol bag now, but she's only one of 7? 8?

Never mind! A bag for everyone, I say!
Bags, bags, bags!
A Forever XXI for her, a PacSun for him,
and what about Papaya or WetSeal or Urban Outfitters?
With that 500 dollars I just got from that nice lady, I'm not short on cash,
but 7 people?

God, can you hear me again? Could you lend me some of those God-powers right about now?The Verve is an alright band. Cat Power is great.
And no matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving My Chem.

Must buy gifts for my friends before I leave...

Tis my new store of choice, and I love pink!

I traded my seaweed bracelet in for a friendship bracelet with someone at the camp.
I don't like talking about camp.

Songs and stuff. Night is god.

I've been music-binging recently...

Santeria, by Sublime. I can play that on the guitar now.
Then Karma Chameleon, by Culture Club,
Snow, by the Chilis,
Bye Bye Blackbird, something from the 20s, was it?,
Rape Me , Nirvana,
7 Nation Army, by the Stripes...
All amazing songs! I mean it!

Between volunteering at a children's summer camp, learning new words via email, working an SAT practice book, stripping to 50% nudity and taking X-rays, obsessing over a ridiculous game called Restaurant City because your friend got you to start, moping in self-pity over a relative lack of concern for the feelings of others (among other flaws), and, of course, packing for Taiwan,
A high school student only has so much time to blog.

On a side note, I saw an adorable frog on the mulch at the entrance of our church on Tuesday, groundhogs have returned to our backyard along with an anorexickish rabbit, my tomatoes are thriving like greasy, fat people in Mississippi, and I saw two madly bats flying around madly in a mad rush of madness and madliness and the god-mad-insane freedom of nighttime.

And this kid is obsessed with me at the summer camp.
He shares a name with a kid I obsess over.
Fact: Fate loves irony.

Well.
Eternally busy, stressed, self-absorbed, and less than a month to go.

God,
Right now would be a cool time to appear and do awesomeness.
On second thought, our morals don't match too well,
So just the do awesomeness part, ok?


Olivia makes a nice mascot, I think.

Parental Guidance

It's harder to love someone when someone so close to you disapproves,
and guitar has become a waste of time.

What do Kurt Cobain and the 4th of July have in common?

Yesterday, we decided to return to the town where we lived before our move, to watch fireworks.
The whole thing was a little mediocre, and the show kinda passed before we knew it.

Near the end, though, every single one was rushing to join his brother or sister in the sky, and the sky was lit for an eternity.
Even as they started to run out, the fireworks shot themselves higher and brighter than the one before them, as if to say "the show will never end!", as if to claw at the sky in one last attempt to reach an audience...
"Listen! I exist! Don't forget me; I exist!" they scream;
After all, how pointless is it to live if they're forgotten after they die? Is it any different from never living at all?
I'll bet fireworks don't even get a shot at Heaven.

"Life is like a fireworks show," said my dad.

Black holes and Revelations

Tonight, felt strangely intensely guilty for not going to a dinner party,
Stayed home, cooked ramen, and then a phone call:
my friend was there, and he wanted to know why I wasn't.

Note-to-self: next time, trust psychic premonitions.

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,

about sweaty summer evenings, unrequited love, bicycle accidents, and time travel...
Watch it here

Tonight, tonight!

Like the Pumpkins song!

Summer nights,
and open doors,
and the whir of fans before bed...
I hear thunder in the distance.

Tonight at 6, I'm going to my best friend's house for a dinner with some really amazing people that I really like,
but I feel so inferior...

Pisces, perhaps.

Last night I dreamed someone came back from China early.

P.S.: Corgan=Way?

Hate.

Falling snow is one of the most beautiful things in the world,
but everything is always more beautiful in your mind.

Stupid, stupid, stupid expectations, idealism, desire.
Buddha and Nietzsche turn in their graves.

1. A hate (singular, n.): a wrinkled bundle of self-loathing,
like a prune,
only the wrinkles are finer, sharper,
the color like Amerindian leather,
the smell like putrid, sour, acrid,

Ex: I hit the glass on the cabinet today, out of hate.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Summer makes laziness.

3... 2... 1...
SEX PISTOLS!!!!!!!!!!!,
"F the Press, Michael's the best!",
Whattotalkabout?

God answers prayers.
I'm friends with the girl in my art class,
the girl I liked likes me back,
the girl who was upset with me is talking to me again,
and something amazing really did happen: Taiwan...

I'm not so sure what I should do now. Should I try talking to God again? Nothing amazing ever happens when I do, anyway. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Blablablabla.

I've been dreaming about school and tests and that girl in art for four days straight now,
and this boredom is killing me and my writing abilities....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa;lksjdflaksjdfaslkdjf;laskdjfa;lskdjfa;lskdjfa;slkdjf
I wish I could miss people and why can't I ever miss anyone and why don't I ever feel bad for people getting killed on TV? and trying to like someone can be so hard sometimes! and I'm selfish...........................................
The-heat-fries-your-brain-like-a-fried-banananananana...........