"A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial."

It's like problem solving for Type 4.

Shots, an apology, and a haircut.

Yin and yang:

I got my shots today, and it wasn't bad at all.
In the moments leading up to it, I noticed that the wallpaper had something on it about friends,
but I ended up closing my eyes for the duration of the shots.
Then we had to poo in buckets.

Someone really awesome apologized today for something hurtful a chillion years ago.
It's really odd, her bringing up the past and all.
I guess I'm happy, but...
Don't do guilt!
Live for the moment!

I need a haircut.

Murphy's Law

So the hydrangeas survived after all!
My mom was quite happy.
Meanwhile, those baby tomatoes are dropping left and right...

God, have mercy!
This is abortion of tomatoes!

Oh, but why the hate, minori?

Jasper and Alice!

My favorite couple in the series! Yay!
My family doesn't seem to like the dried hydrangeas I picked from outside, and I'm listening to Black Holes and Revelations.

Bible study

I came late, and they had gone to TGI Friday's for dinner.
I chased the fireflies and watched swallows over the lake for an hour before they came.

We only had 15 minutes left by the time we started, and there were only five of us, but we had a lot of fun.

On the way home, the guy told me I had a good heart, and it made me happy.
And I thought, "God's children are quite nice, after all."
I don't think I've ever thought so well of God in a while.

Perhaps I'm looking forward to meeting next Tuesday.

For someone amazing:

The secret-message-rock is done.
It even has a little ribbon on it,
and I made my sister take $1,
compensation for all the ribbons I've ever borrowed from her, of course...

And a hug as well, for the most amazing person in the world,
In case we never get a chance...
I miss you, amazing person!

Songwriting and shoujo manga?

Has it snowed yet where you are? I'd talk all night with you, but it's 3, and my ramen's getting cold.
Maybe you could visit this December, and then we could talk some more, but I really have to go...

Blablablablabla...
Blablablabla...
Bla...
I can't believe I'm writing stuff like this.
Perhaps it's the influence of Twilight,
Or the numerous shoujo titles I've been devouring as of late...(tis Kare Kano, my current series... Arima is so like my best friend!)

Hydrangeas

I worked on the garden today.
In my backyard, there were these brilliant blue flowers, and I thought they were simply amazing, and I couldn't help but pick a cluster.
I immediately felt guilty, though, because they were going to die.

As soon as I got home, I placed them in water in a nice china bowl.
Doing penance.
Tis truly the nicest flower I've seen... Even the stems are baby-blue!
The whole thing kind of looks like skystuff from an Electric Light Orchestra fantasia.

The sun is shining in the sky;
There ain't a cloud in sight...

I would like to give them to my mother, but I doubt they'll last four days...

Want and neon signs

I think perhaps what you want means a million times more than what you have...

I wish the whole world and every sad person could hear that tonight, and believe it,
and I wish I could believe it as well...

Sleepover, fishing trip

On Friday I spent the whole day shopping, wasted $20 (and some borrowed money) in stickers and nail polish and jewelry until evening.
I left with:

One (1) My Chemical Romance sticker

One (1) Marilyn Monroe sticker

One (1) Grateful Dead skull with shrooms inside sticker

One (1) fate-deciding seaweed bracelet that grows in water

One (1) color-changing nail polish for someone special

Fate was a pervert and awesome, and she placed our hotel room across from Crabby Dick's, where we ate dinner and shot a few photos for memories. A subsequent photo-shoot at Wal-mart added 100 more pictures to the camera.

That night, a documentary on ghosts came on. Bedtime at 11, and I slept at 1. It was hot, my friend took the whole bed because he was scared, and I sat up several times to wipe the sweat.
It's a good thing that it got colder later that night, or I would have stayed up forever. Unfortunately, my sleeping bag was on the floor.
"Humans can lick too."

The next day, awakened at 7 or 8 and read Twilight through the light from between the blinds. It was raining again. My friend wanted to sleep, so I turned the alarm off for him.

Checking out of the hotel was the hard part. No guy wants to be caught dead reading Twilight, especially by hordes of high school cheerleaders on vacation.
Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, Jacob Black, Mary Sue.

We didn't fish; we just watched. Fishing is animal cruelty.
My friend almost cried for them. I only wish I could.

My Chemical Romance, perverted jokes, sand castles and popsicles passed time under rainy skies until dinner, and then perverted jokes and birds and bees stole the ride home. No aliens attacked our car that night, though. Fate was on our side again.
A new language to confuse curious parental eavesdroppers, too.

"Maybe why can't fish tell sticks when they're blue? Maybe sticks are usually pretty open about it."
"Maybe which tastes better: fins or tail?"
"Maybe have you ever gotten blue looking at the SH fish?"
"Maybe not......................"

"Maybe these parents are either complete idiots or pretending to not understand."

She was gone when I got back. I still had the bracelet.
I kept wondering why she still liked me, and so much more than I like her.
Out on the bridge before class on Sunday, I cried a little for I don't know why.
I wasn't even sad, I don't think.

On the last day of school...

I thought perhaps I would feel a little sad that it would be the last time I walked to school,
but I was drenched in sweat when I got there.

She made this collage...
She's leaving this Sunday,
for a month,
and then I'll be leaving for two years.

I don't know what else to write today.
Stupid, stupid, stupid empty whatever.

Walking home, worms, and my bracelet is finished

It rained today. At the crosswalk , before I crossed the street, I saw the girl in my art class holding a plaid umbrella, and she looked nice in the rain like that. I thought maybe it was the last time I would see her at school. I tried to take one last look at her as I was crossing, but I couldn't find her, and I had to see where I was going, so I turned around and kept walking forward.

I was almost happy, for some reason.

The rain was just the right amount. It felt nice on your skin, but it didn't get you too wet.
I had to watch where I stepped to avoid earthworms, though. They're so helpless and vulnerable out on the sidewalk, like penises... People should mind where they step when it rains.
A bird was eating one until I came by. It upsets me so much when I scare them away. I wonder if I'll ever meet a bird who can go on eating his worm.

And then the rain was still pretty light, but I was getting wet, so I put on my hood.

When I got home, the girl friended me on Facebook.

A test:

Before bed, hug your blankets and think of someone you like,
and if you feel your heart melting a little,
you are probably in love

Today I...

I had my art finals today.
Everyone at my table was doing pretty badly, even my friend who's usually just about the greatest artist in the class. But halfway through the period, that really seriously cute girl who sits at the other table lifts up her picture and....

She's a better artist.

I knew it all along, but she'd compliment my works so much that perhaps for a second I believed I was better.
Whatever.
I spent the rest of the period scribbling snakes and Alice-isms and ecstasy all over my picture.

It turns out there are better artists than me, better speakers than me, better writers than me. What does that make me? I'm pink again on that graph, right? Or lower...
My invincibility left.

Logic goes poof when emotions sink in.

A poof-kitty...

Last Plane Part II

Long-distance phone calls are ultra-expensive....
Too bad.

Off to bed now...
Bonne nuit.

Last Plane to London?

Before I leave, I would like to buy a phone, so maybe I can lie on my bed and talk for hours into the night with my friends.

Maybe it'll be still burning up over in my cabin, and the fan would be sighing all night, and in America, it would be a winter morning. I don't have such a good imagination, but just hearing the word "snow" makes you feel so warm. It's funny. Cold things make you feel so warm, but summer makes you think of cicadas and cool nights and bugs by lamps and Taiwanese winters.
I must ask about the ducks, in any case.

What if they make me take off my bracelet at the school?
I guess I wouldn't mind my wish coming true so much, right? I wonder if it still works... the heart came off the green one, so does it still count as the original bracelet?

Wait, I still haven't made a wish on the blue one...
How's "I wish I'll find something super-amazing one day"?
So selfish.
"Because the Pisces must survive, he can be a very determined, even selfish individual."
I don't really believe it, of course, but I'd like to play it safe.
Wishes are horrible things to waste.

Dizzy, dizzy, an afternoon in front of a screen...........................
Envy is when someone makes a better friendship bracelet than you.

Today, I...

• Dreamed of brilliant blue and open skies, thanks to a conversation with a certain someone awesome yesterday,

• Came to school with two (2!) friendship bracelets and a Rolling Stones shirt,

• Failed an English test with pride by writing absolutely nothing on the paper,

• Passed my History class with a 9 on an essay and the highest score in the class on the written portion,

• Had the students applaud after every comment I gave as Neitzsche in the World Congress and was given a special opportunity by the teacher to make a final speech (oh, perhaps not so bad at public speaking after all?),

• Came home early, ate at Arby's (tis hard to decide which mixture of horsey, HM, and Arby's will taste best on roast beef),

• Finished my first friendship bracelet, which isn't a turtle (yes!!! excited! What will she think of it?)
  

• Feel invincible!

Perhaps I'm more of a brown on that bar graph down there?
Oh, a pang of guilt... arrogance?

Not fair.

If all your goodness and talents could be counted with numbers, you ought to graph them. I wish they would all add up to the same height, like a row of orange singular bars.
But look, they're all so uneven... Blue is so much better than purple and green and brown...
Perhaps Hitler is the little orange bar in the corner of the box.
Which one would I be?

On weekends

You feel irritable, dirty, uncomfortable when you can't wash your hair by 4:30 in the afternoon,
But you know it's better if you wait until Sunday morning.

Read this.

A slice-of-life about Jesus and Buddha sharing an apartment in modern Japan. Read it here.

Couldn't sleep last night...

A young girl is left home alone with only her dog to protect her. When night approaches, she locks all the doors and tries to lock all the windows, but one in the basement won't close.
She decides to leave it open, but locks the basement door and goes to bed. Her dog takes its customary place under her bed.
In the deep of night she awakens to a dripping sound coming from the bathroom. The girl is too scared to go check so she reaches her hand under the bed. She feels a reassuring lick from her dog and falls back to sleep. She reawakens to the dripping sound, reaches her hand down to the dog where she feels the reassuring lick and falls back to sleep. Once more, she awakens to the dripping sound. She reaches her hand down and feels the lick of her dog.
Now curious about the dripping sound, she gets up and slowly walks towards the bathroom, the dripping sound getting louder as she approaches. She reaches the bathroom and turns on the light. She is greeted by a horrific sight; hanging from the shower nozzle is her dog with its throat slit open and its blood dripping into the bathtub.
Something on the bathroom mirror catches her eye; she turns around. Written on the bathroom mirror in her dog's blood are the words "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO".

Alright, so I read a few urban legends before bed, but as long as I don't think too much about them, I'll be fine, right?

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."

Shit...I can't think like that. Reverse psychology. The polar bear experiment.

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."

God, I'm praying now, see? God, help me! God, show me you exist....
No answer. Dead or asleep?

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."
Damn,damn,damn.....

A distraction... Happy thoughts...
Two years have passed, and I'm on the bridge. It's winter, but the water hasn't frozen yet, I think. She's there, and I'm still a little upset.
"Do you think I need to change, perhaps? I don't think I'm measuring up... just tell me what I have to change about myself..." Would I? Maybe I'm not actually so selfish.
I wonder what she would say.

"HUMANS CAN LICK TOO."
Goddammit.........................

I get up. I'll open the door, I suppose. Anna's still up; I can hear her. Careful, step over the side of the bed, don't wanna get licked......

Let there be light! said the Lord to his world.
The door is open now. The light comes in at a funny angle, all the shadows melt. The story seems so silly with the door open, I thought. The lights outside my window are flickering now in front of my closed eyelids like a television set in an empty room.

I'm cold, so I put on my blankets, but then I'm sweating. Repeat for an hour and then I put on my pajama tops.
I don't remember when I fell asleep.

Oh, my first comment...

All of a sudden, this feels like whining now, not writing...

But I shouldn't say that... some people are guilt-stricken so easily...

me, definitely.
I'll keep writing.

Like...
Today I read the story of Samson, and I was expecting to cry, and I did.
I mean, the angel came and told his mom, and he was out on the field on a windy day, I imagined, and she called out to her husband, and they were happy...
And the other time, he was pissed like they had no idea, and they burned his wife... He burned their fields.
And he killed a bunch of them, and he was so thirsty and tired afterwards, and perhaps it was the sun shining down on him, no clouds, that made him so tired of having these stupid things happen to him, but then he found water, so it's all good.
And at the end, his eyes were gone, and he braced himself against the pillars, and he was probably upset at himself, and he pulled down the entire temple, and then he won.

And like... I think he found something amazing.
And then I haven't cried in forever. I think I was in love all over again, too.
But it all disappeared just yesterday, and today I still have that empty feeling, bitter brown medicine, empty tires, whateverness.
I wonder if Samson went to Heaven.

5 Years Time

or two?

Fear stuff

I fear a spirit spidermonkey, and rub your ears before bed so the demons can't enter, and never think about aliens without a tin-foil hat...
I fear thoughts coming to life. A serial killer, public urination, a chain of snot.
I'm afraid someone is reading this, but I love the attention, secret admiration,
and it's not good to hide your troubles.
I'm afraid my openness, like God, is dead.

Broken relationships, or not feeling anything from broken relationships,
or feeling guilt for not feeling anything,
but I wish I could tell her I love her and mean it, and maybe after 2 years, everything could be just the way it was before, or better, perhaps...
"It wasn't so hard, after all," we might say, and laugh, on the bridge. Maybe I'll come back during the winter and it'll be the first time I see snow on the water.

Where will the ducks go in the winter, I wonder.

At the bottom of the blog...

there's a counter. Only 55 days until the move. It's taunting me.

Spirit Animals

My friend said I was perhaps a gecko or a mouse or some other small animal, but i want to be a bird, like be free and reckless, small and gentle and flying...
Is it my glasses, perhaps? Does that give off a gecko vibe?
Pisces.